Feeling better...

Well I've been home nearly 2 weeks now and you will be pleased to know that I'm pretty much back to my old self! I was a bit slow the first week, but just went with it and rested when I needed to and this week things are pretty much back to normal. I got measured for radiotherapy on Monday - took over an hour, lots of drawing on me, measured up with laser and 3 tattoos as reference points!!!
I had a minor op yesterday to put a portacath in - sits under the skin in the chest - a contraption attached to a line that goes directly into a vein next to main artery into heart!!! Should be much easier for drugs, blood etc. So a bit sore but no painkillers required.
Radiotherapy does start Monday which means it should all be over by July 17th - last day of term, talking of which I am starting my phased return to work next week - just a couple of hours for one day, gradually increasing each week, then back full time in September.
Then 21 July is the last big one - Herceptin No. 1 - got to be in hospital all day to be monitored for heart/ lung reactions (worst case scenario) - got a heart scan on Monday to check it's not been weakened too much by the nasty chemo! I must admit I will be relieved when that's over - they monitor you on the second one too (3 weeks later) then I think I will opt to go to Wimborne hospital every 3 weeks for the remainder of the year - closer than Poole but on balance better to keep treatment out of my home - am now at the stage where I want to start to put things behind me and get on with the business of living without being consumed by this illness.
Bronte is growing daily! She's well and truly settled now and more than ready for puppy classes - starts in 2 weeks. She can sit and walk on the lead, not bad at 11 weeks. She has also discovered the settee and is into everything - she managed to climb onto the window sill in the lounge today, hmmm maybe I’m not such a good mum!!! I do love her though! We're going to be just fine...
It will soon be just Bronte and I at home, so like I said my friends I am counting on you to be around during radiotherapy and beyond... strangely it's mentally tougher now it's coming to an end - life after breast cancer can feel quite daunting at times. The old self esteem/ body image thing can sometimes get you down, (although not much, it's just a pain that I can't wear all those lovely pretty tops that are everywhere at the moment). Mostly it's the thought of being by myself again (although not unexpected) that gets me down and makes me just a little bit sad at times.
The parting of ways after 5 years was never going to be easy, but at this point in time it’s particularly unfortunate, I suppose at least any initial hopes of reconciliation that I may once have had faded quite some time ago (there are many things I haven't written about that have been far, far tougher than dealing with cancer in the last few months). I do of course appreciate the help that I have received with practical needs, but I have learnt that I can't do practical without a balance of the emotional side as well. So if there is now a need to push on with life away from me I feel that it is important that this is done with my acceptance and with my best wishes.
In the fullness of time I hope to look back at this as a positive turning point, I know that it is indeed time to turn the page on the past 5 years and a to begin a new chapter - with happier times ahead for all concerned.
I certainly feel very different now, I am strong and much more together than ever before. I truly know now just how tough I am mentally, I might be emotional at times but whatever life has thrown at me I have survived and if I can survive cancer and chemotherapy and the last few months then I can survive anything. Similarly if having cancer doesn't make someone realise that they want to spend their life with you then nothing will. So it’s time to move on in and I am looking forward to just being me again…
Thank goodness for my amazing friends that I know will see me through this and beyond - at least now you've been brave enough to tell me how much the last traumas of the last 5 years have changed me - and how much you all want the old Terri back, well..... she is on her way!
xxx