Radiotherapy and stuff...

How time has flown - radiotherapy tomorrow. For once have done no reading on possible side effects etc, am just going to go with the flow and try to live as normal a life as possible - it will just be an hour and a half out of my day, otherwise I intend to get on with things.
Am having a bit of a wobbly phase at the moment. I think the reality of facing life post breast cancer is, now it's pretty much here, more daunting than I expected. Having longed for this point in time to arrive it's not quite as I'd imagined. I'd expected that I would be jumping up and down with excitement and that I'd see life through fresh eyes and truly know how precious each day is - and I DO feel like this... but actually it can be quite scary... there's a little voice in the back of my mind (the one everyone tells you not to listen to) that says... what if it comes back? What if I make all these plans, what if I look to the future and dream... what if it comes back and I can't do any of this? It feels a little bit like being torn in two -undoubtedly without my operation (and possibly the treatment) I would've died. Bottom line. It wouldn't have been long as it was so aggressive. So what an amazing gift I have - I’ve stared death in the face and all the scans would appear to reveal that I've escaped it's clutches - shouldn't I be grabbing life with both hands? I certainly appreciate everything in a way I never did before - on a daily basis - but there is I must admit something inside that makes me cautious. Mum never liked to plan and now I know why - and as one of life's planners it is not easy. I think if I had a partner alongside me to plan with, it may be a little easier, but I don't. That makes me sad too, to have come through all this and to not have that someone special to look to the future with, is really, really hard. I guess too the reality of not having children at almost 36 and now almost certainly not being able to, is also tough - not a lot I can do about that so I tend to put it at the back of my mind - but from time to time I am overwhelmed with sadness - again another reason that I feel I should be pushing life on myself - I just somehow am struggling to take those first steps I guess.
I will get there, I know that, it is just harder than I imagined - or maybe I just think it is, perhaps once I start I’ll wonder what it was I was worrying about. Maybe I'm just having one of those days! I'll be ok, usually I feel a bit sad for a while, then I find something positive to do.
Like I’ve said, going to need you all now more than ever – let’s plan some fun stuff!!!
Love you lots xxx