A more positive frame of mind...

Hmmm, I seem to have emerged from a few 'dark days' last week and now feel much more at peace with things. Don't know why really, still scared/sad etc but am no longer overwhelmed with issues, which I must admit is a huge relief. Depression AFTER cancer is quite common - I don't want to go there - I just want to be accepting of my lot, smile and get on with living, which is what I intend to do.
Almost forgot - I do know why... my turning point came in a surprising way last Friday in Radiotherapy outpatients. Now, I don't mean to be rude (and as I this person doesn't know me and therefore does not read my blog I feel relatively ok about saying this) but I met the most miserable, moany and self absorbed fellow cancer sufferer. The conversation started with her question - "So what cancer do you have?" - before I'd barely finished my sentence "I've had breast cancer (PAST TENSE) she proceeded to talk about her cancer, how after 2 years it's back and now terminal and (this was the worst bit) out of a ward of 6, 4 had lymph node involvement - 2 didn't, so far they are fine but of the 4 she's the last one to 'go' - NOT particularly uplifting, and for less 'experienced' people waiting quite worrying I'm sure, so I pointed out that actually there is no rhyme nor reason - my mum's lymph nodes were clear, but she didn't make it, and my friend had 7 nodes infected and is alive and kicking 10 years on! Then followed a moan just about anything and everything... doctors, nurses, taxis, transport, money.... I've never been so keen to jump onto the bed to get zapped!
Given the turmoil I'd been going through it could've been the final straw for me, but do you know what - it had quite the opposite effect. Bottom line - 'it' could come back, the reality is no one knows and that's a good thing. Let's say, just for the sake of argument she's right - in 2 years I'll be where she is now, well there's no way I'll be miserable and bitter - I am going to live each day of these next two years to the full - and more I hope! But if IF I too get terminal diagnosis I swear to God that on that day I will smile - because I will have had the MOST amazing memories of the past two years, of all the good times with my friends and all the taken opportunities. I will smile and be grateful for this time.
So, there you go - my turning point. Life will return to 'normal' - especially once I am back at work, but on a slightly different level - no longer will I simply be existing on a day to day basis - I'll be living - in the now.
Blessings! Blessings! Blessings!