How time has flown - radiotherapy tomorrow. For once have done no reading on possible side effects etc, am just going to go with the flow and try to live as normal a life as possible - it will just be an hour and a half out of my day, otherwise I intend to get on with things.
Am having a bit of a wobbly phase at the moment. I think the reality of facing life post breast cancer is, now it's pretty much here, more daunting than I expected. Having longed for this point in time to arrive it's not quite as I'd imagined. I'd expected that I would be jumping up and down with excitement and that I'd see life through fresh eyes and truly know how precious each day is - and I DO feel like this... but actually it can be quite scary... there's a little voice in the back of my mind (the one everyone tells you not to listen to) that says... what if it comes back? What if I make all these plans, what if I look to the future and dream... what if it comes back and I can't do any of this? It feels a little bit like being torn in two -undoubtedly without my operation (and possibly the treatment) I would've died. Bottom line. It wouldn't have been long as it was so aggressive. So what an amazing gift I have - I’ve stared death in the face and all the scans would appear to reveal that I've escaped it's clutches - shouldn't I be grabbing life with both hands? I certainly appreciate everything in a way I never did before - on a daily basis - but there is I must admit something inside that makes me cautious. Mum never liked to plan and now I know why - and as one of life's planners it is not easy. I think if I had a partner alongside me to plan with, it may be a little easier, but I don't. That makes me sad too, to have come through all this and to not have that someone special to look to the future with, is really, really hard. I guess too the reality of not having children at almost 36 and now almost certainly not being able to, is also tough - not a lot I can do about that so I tend to put it at the back of my mind - but from time to time I am overwhelmed with sadness - again another reason that I feel I should be pushing life on myself - I just somehow am struggling to take those first steps I guess.
I will get there, I know that, it is just harder than I imagined - or maybe I just think it is, perhaps once I start I’ll wonder what it was I was worrying about. Maybe I'm just having one of those days! I'll be ok, usually I feel a bit sad for a while, then I find something positive to do.
Like I’ve said, going to need you all now more than ever – let’s plan some fun stuff!!!
Love you lots xxx
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Feeling better...
Well I've been home nearly 2 weeks now and you will be pleased to know that I'm pretty much back to my old self! I was a bit slow the first week, but just went with it and rested when I needed to and this week things are pretty much back to normal. I got measured for radiotherapy on Monday - took over an hour, lots of drawing on me, measured up with laser and 3 tattoos as reference points!!!
I had a minor op yesterday to put a portacath in - sits under the skin in the chest - a contraption attached to a line that goes directly into a vein next to main artery into heart!!! Should be much easier for drugs, blood etc. So a bit sore but no painkillers required.
Radiotherapy does start Monday which means it should all be over by July 17th - last day of term, talking of which I am starting my phased return to work next week - just a couple of hours for one day, gradually increasing each week, then back full time in September.
Then 21 July is the last big one - Herceptin No. 1 - got to be in hospital all day to be monitored for heart/ lung reactions (worst case scenario) - got a heart scan on Monday to check it's not been weakened too much by the nasty chemo! I must admit I will be relieved when that's over - they monitor you on the second one too (3 weeks later) then I think I will opt to go to Wimborne hospital every 3 weeks for the remainder of the year - closer than Poole but on balance better to keep treatment out of my home - am now at the stage where I want to start to put things behind me and get on with the business of living without being consumed by this illness.
Bronte is growing daily! She's well and truly settled now and more than ready for puppy classes - starts in 2 weeks. She can sit and walk on the lead, not bad at 11 weeks. She has also discovered the settee and is into everything - she managed to climb onto the window sill in the lounge today, hmmm maybe I’m not such a good mum!!! I do love her though! We're going to be just fine...
It will soon be just Bronte and I at home, so like I said my friends I am counting on you to be around during radiotherapy and beyond... strangely it's mentally tougher now it's coming to an end - life after breast cancer can feel quite daunting at times. The old self esteem/ body image thing can sometimes get you down, (although not much, it's just a pain that I can't wear all those lovely pretty tops that are everywhere at the moment). Mostly it's the thought of being by myself again (although not unexpected) that gets me down and makes me just a little bit sad at times.
The parting of ways after 5 years was never going to be easy, but at this point in time it’s particularly unfortunate, I suppose at least any initial hopes of reconciliation that I may once have had faded quite some time ago (there are many things I haven't written about that have been far, far tougher than dealing with cancer in the last few months). I do of course appreciate the help that I have received with practical needs, but I have learnt that I can't do practical without a balance of the emotional side as well. So if there is now a need to push on with life away from me I feel that it is important that this is done with my acceptance and with my best wishes.
In the fullness of time I hope to look back at this as a positive turning point, I know that it is indeed time to turn the page on the past 5 years and a to begin a new chapter - with happier times ahead for all concerned.
I certainly feel very different now, I am strong and much more together than ever before. I truly know now just how tough I am mentally, I might be emotional at times but whatever life has thrown at me I have survived and if I can survive cancer and chemotherapy and the last few months then I can survive anything. Similarly if having cancer doesn't make someone realise that they want to spend their life with you then nothing will. So it’s time to move on in and I am looking forward to just being me again…
Thank goodness for my amazing friends that I know will see me through this and beyond - at least now you've been brave enough to tell me how much the last traumas of the last 5 years have changed me - and how much you all want the old Terri back, well..... she is on her way!
xxx
I had a minor op yesterday to put a portacath in - sits under the skin in the chest - a contraption attached to a line that goes directly into a vein next to main artery into heart!!! Should be much easier for drugs, blood etc. So a bit sore but no painkillers required.
Radiotherapy does start Monday which means it should all be over by July 17th - last day of term, talking of which I am starting my phased return to work next week - just a couple of hours for one day, gradually increasing each week, then back full time in September.
Then 21 July is the last big one - Herceptin No. 1 - got to be in hospital all day to be monitored for heart/ lung reactions (worst case scenario) - got a heart scan on Monday to check it's not been weakened too much by the nasty chemo! I must admit I will be relieved when that's over - they monitor you on the second one too (3 weeks later) then I think I will opt to go to Wimborne hospital every 3 weeks for the remainder of the year - closer than Poole but on balance better to keep treatment out of my home - am now at the stage where I want to start to put things behind me and get on with the business of living without being consumed by this illness.
Bronte is growing daily! She's well and truly settled now and more than ready for puppy classes - starts in 2 weeks. She can sit and walk on the lead, not bad at 11 weeks. She has also discovered the settee and is into everything - she managed to climb onto the window sill in the lounge today, hmmm maybe I’m not such a good mum!!! I do love her though! We're going to be just fine...
It will soon be just Bronte and I at home, so like I said my friends I am counting on you to be around during radiotherapy and beyond... strangely it's mentally tougher now it's coming to an end - life after breast cancer can feel quite daunting at times. The old self esteem/ body image thing can sometimes get you down, (although not much, it's just a pain that I can't wear all those lovely pretty tops that are everywhere at the moment). Mostly it's the thought of being by myself again (although not unexpected) that gets me down and makes me just a little bit sad at times.
The parting of ways after 5 years was never going to be easy, but at this point in time it’s particularly unfortunate, I suppose at least any initial hopes of reconciliation that I may once have had faded quite some time ago (there are many things I haven't written about that have been far, far tougher than dealing with cancer in the last few months). I do of course appreciate the help that I have received with practical needs, but I have learnt that I can't do practical without a balance of the emotional side as well. So if there is now a need to push on with life away from me I feel that it is important that this is done with my acceptance and with my best wishes.
In the fullness of time I hope to look back at this as a positive turning point, I know that it is indeed time to turn the page on the past 5 years and a to begin a new chapter - with happier times ahead for all concerned.
I certainly feel very different now, I am strong and much more together than ever before. I truly know now just how tough I am mentally, I might be emotional at times but whatever life has thrown at me I have survived and if I can survive cancer and chemotherapy and the last few months then I can survive anything. Similarly if having cancer doesn't make someone realise that they want to spend their life with you then nothing will. So it’s time to move on in and I am looking forward to just being me again…
Thank goodness for my amazing friends that I know will see me through this and beyond - at least now you've been brave enough to tell me how much the last traumas of the last 5 years have changed me - and how much you all want the old Terri back, well..... she is on her way!
xxx
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Update - no more chemo for me!!!
It's been a while... apologies, but after a positive start - I actually felt ok for 3 days after Chemo No. 4 - new drug taxatore - it all went very pear shaped by day 7...
Basically I felt uncomfortable by the Tuesday - felt like my ribs were being squeezed and NO energy, by the Thursday morning I was in massive pain and Trev rushed me down to the chemo ward - there I stayed all day, mega amounts of morphine had a short lived affect on the pain, and by mid afternoon my temperature spiked so I had to be admitted. IV antibiotics were the first requirement!
Things calmed down a little, but I must admit the following 48 hours are a bit of a blur. I was well enough to have visitors Friday early afternoon and the pain was under control, then suddenly everything just went crazy - my bloods came back as dangerously low - no bone marrow; few white cells; low red cells - blood transfusion needed! The canular in my hand stopped working... after 10+ failed attempts to get blood out of my veins - including my foot - the Dr was getting concerned - apparently it's a sign that the body is shutting down in order to protect main organs (I didn't know this at the time!!!)... bodily functions shut down too (more tubes!!!)...to add to the drama my temp hit 40 degrees and my blood pressure dropped to 50/35 - I didn't know it but the HDU nurses had to monitor me that night - so first they moved me so I was next to the nurses station (got my own room with fantastic view over the harbour) then they had to find a vein. To cut a long story short I ended up having a line put into femoral vein in groin - ouch! Did the trick and finally they could give and take blood and give me the medications I needed - it was a long night and 3 bags of blood later I was stable, apart from temperature spikes from time to time, for the rest of the weekend.
In order to try to find out the cause of the pain I had to have an ultra sound of liver, kidneys etc - nothing 'nasty' found - slightly enlarged liver BUT 2 of the liver tests came back abnormal, but did start to settle by Tuesday - still awaiting MRI of liver one day soon.
Gradually everything began to stabilise and go in the right direction - I was allowed home a week later.
It's almost a week now and I am starting to feel much better - thank goodness - still tired and no taste, but I can live with that!
Anyway, in the mix of things my consultant said no more chemo as too risky - it's preventative so with the rare reaction I had the risks now outweigh any benefits - got to say I'm relieved - I’d also reached the point where I could take no more.
So, it's onto radiotherapy now - planning meeting this coming Monday, then start a daily 3 week course the following Monday! It can't be as bad as chemo, just tiredness to contend with.
I must say a huge thank you to Helen for looking after puppy Bronte - and then me for a few days once I was released - it was so nice to have someone around to look after me - thank you!
Talking of puppy Bronte -
Basically I felt uncomfortable by the Tuesday - felt like my ribs were being squeezed and NO energy, by the Thursday morning I was in massive pain and Trev rushed me down to the chemo ward - there I stayed all day, mega amounts of morphine had a short lived affect on the pain, and by mid afternoon my temperature spiked so I had to be admitted. IV antibiotics were the first requirement!
Things calmed down a little, but I must admit the following 48 hours are a bit of a blur. I was well enough to have visitors Friday early afternoon and the pain was under control, then suddenly everything just went crazy - my bloods came back as dangerously low - no bone marrow; few white cells; low red cells - blood transfusion needed! The canular in my hand stopped working... after 10+ failed attempts to get blood out of my veins - including my foot - the Dr was getting concerned - apparently it's a sign that the body is shutting down in order to protect main organs (I didn't know this at the time!!!)... bodily functions shut down too (more tubes!!!)...to add to the drama my temp hit 40 degrees and my blood pressure dropped to 50/35 - I didn't know it but the HDU nurses had to monitor me that night - so first they moved me so I was next to the nurses station (got my own room with fantastic view over the harbour) then they had to find a vein. To cut a long story short I ended up having a line put into femoral vein in groin - ouch! Did the trick and finally they could give and take blood and give me the medications I needed - it was a long night and 3 bags of blood later I was stable, apart from temperature spikes from time to time, for the rest of the weekend.
In order to try to find out the cause of the pain I had to have an ultra sound of liver, kidneys etc - nothing 'nasty' found - slightly enlarged liver BUT 2 of the liver tests came back abnormal, but did start to settle by Tuesday - still awaiting MRI of liver one day soon.
Gradually everything began to stabilise and go in the right direction - I was allowed home a week later.
It's almost a week now and I am starting to feel much better - thank goodness - still tired and no taste, but I can live with that!
Anyway, in the mix of things my consultant said no more chemo as too risky - it's preventative so with the rare reaction I had the risks now outweigh any benefits - got to say I'm relieved - I’d also reached the point where I could take no more.
So, it's onto radiotherapy now - planning meeting this coming Monday, then start a daily 3 week course the following Monday! It can't be as bad as chemo, just tiredness to contend with.
I must say a huge thank you to Helen for looking after puppy Bronte - and then me for a few days once I was released - it was so nice to have someone around to look after me - thank you!
Talking of puppy Bronte -
Isn't she gorgeous - lively and inquisitive, but a welcome distraction to all that has been going on!
So, everything's come forward 6 weeks - finish radiotherapy 17 July (hopefully the hot flushes will have finished by then too!) so there is finally light at the end of the tunnel - and a summer holiday to look forward to. Will be counting on my friends to keep me occupied as i face new beginnings and life alone post chemo - well, not quite alone ~ Bronte will be keeping me company too! I think I've written enough for now, will write again soon. Love to you all xxx
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