Reality

"…But rather than providing emotional sustenance, the sugar-coating of cancer can exact a dreadful cost. First, it requires the denial of understandable feelings of anger and fear, all of which must be buried under a cosmetic layer of cheer. This is a great convenience for health workers and even friends of the afflicted, who might prefer fake cheer to complaining, but it is not so easy on the afflicted."

An extract from 'Smile, you've got cancer', please follow this link:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jan/02/cancer-positive-thinking-barbara-ehrenreich

I like coincidences, today's lead me to the above referenced article (thank you Justin) - only 12 or so hours earlier I'd been talking with Clare who had also given me something to look up in the same newspaper (infact both mentioned 'this column will change your life'), anyway this is how it is:

12 months ago, almost to the day, I was totally shocked that at 35 years old I had breast cancer. The year that followed is documented here, and whilst at times honest and frank, it is as a 'friend' politely put it 'my public face'; this is indeed true of many of my 'sisters', and having digested this recently mentioned comment and along with weighing up conversations with my cancer friends, I was on the verge of wanting to express the growing sense of frustration and isolation that I (and many others) feel. Yes, I am through the worst of my treatment; No Herceptin isn't that bad; BUT I am 36 years old and I am living with my breast cancer diagnosis and it's b****y hard!

So, from now on there will be no 'public' face, I think one of my strengths is ‘what you see is what you get’, and perhaps I have done this an injustice in the last year as I got caught up in the need to be 'positive'. The truth is that cancer is everything you would fear it to be - and worse. Living with a death sentence yet not knowing when (or if) it is coming, is for me the hardest thing of all. People don't want to hear that, this I understand - I've been in those shoes and said/ done/ thought the same things with mum (who, incidentally was one of the most 'positive' people I ever knew, but believe me I now know that the smiles hid many fears and being 'positive' did not save her life, this was not a failure - just cancer doing its worst).

I don't want to be just another statistic - live or die - having cancer is not a gift, but maybe just maybe it is an opportunity - if, as fate has decided, I am to live this awful disease, then I will do it my way - and use the opportunity that has been bestowed upon me - until now I did not know how, yes I'll do all the usual (and important) fundraising walks and runs, but I need to do something more... individual.... somehow. Now I know how - I'll ditch the 'public 'smiley' face' and attempt to reveal the realities of living and dying with cancer.

Warning: not for the faint hearted